<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Darkness and light of the abyss by plnkstardust</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25836373">Darkness and light of the abyss</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/plnkstardust/pseuds/plnkstardust'>plnkstardust</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Akaashi likes literature, And a few flashbacks to get there because that's how it is, Bokuto Koutarou Being Bokuto Koutarou, Canon Divergence, Chapter 337, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Love Confessions, M/M, Nerd Akaashi Keiji, Overthinking, Self Indulgent Headcanons, Set After Mujinaza Match</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 00:15:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,174</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25836373</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/plnkstardust/pseuds/plnkstardust</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Volleyball was dangerous, because it was unpredictable, and it was also hurt, that was what he discovered over the course of the three years he spent on Mori. </p><p>He had read about it, how effort and not paying off could hurt, playing and putting your entire being into something could hurt, just like it hurt when Icarus fell to the sea because he wanted the Sun.</p><p>And then, Akaashi started to want the Sun as well.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Darkness and light of the abyss</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'll warn that my first language isn't English! so please be considerate about your criticism in those regards, I'm always open to constructive criticism and comments are greatly encouraged!<br/>If u wanna follow me I'm on twitter! <a href="https://twitter.com/plnkstardust">@plnkstardust</a><br/>I'm not used to writing this characters so please keep that in mind! &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Literature. If Akaashi could say there was something he enjoyed, he would say literature without hesitation.</p><p>Had he ever been maybe wiser, sharper or simply better at it, he would have indulged himself in the idea of writing himself, maybe something short, soething that could make everyone gasp in awe and call whoever wrote it a genius, who knew what could possibly come out of that head of raven locks, a blank page was just as a promising as the sight of a newborn, fresh to the world, so untouched, so innocent and full of possibilities, paths to take wherever it wanted as long as it had the determination to do so, for, what could possibly be the limit of the human mind unpolished?</p><p>But a blank wall and a future left untouched could also end up in not just white success and touches of the sky, there could also be black, and black was Akaashi's hair and dark were his eyes. So many ways to screw up, so many ways to ruin what could possibly be the thing that leaves your mark on this world. </p><p>He doesn't consider misfortune to be evil, because misfortune doesn't exist, the life of the individual is up to them and them alone, and that is the most evil and good thing the Gods, if there ever were to exist, could ever do.</p><p>The realization that the weight of his life rests on his shoulders and his alone came to him when he was merely a kid. He was what you would call kind of a reckless kid. A pure thing that hasn't experienced misfortune doesn't know of the precautions to be taken in order not to get hurt on this life, and a pure thing that he was, so childish and careless, experienced the worst hurt one could be made.</p><p>"Kei," had said his mom, throwing him a false smile only led to trick him. "Who do you want to stay with, mum or dad?"</p><p>He made the mistake to love.</p><p>"But why can't I stay with you both?"</p><p>The kitchen was illuminated by the last rays of a summer afternoon. The few days left of school were just around the corner and the only thing he could think about was just the pleasure of eating ice cream on the sofa and watching the latest episodes of that cartoon he was so interested in at the time for hours to no end.</p><p>Both his parents exchanged an uncomfortable look, bitten lips and furrowed brows.</p><p>"Because we are not staying together", was the answer his father gave him. "Mum is going back to her parents' house for a while and I'm staying here." Then he kneeled to Akaashi's height and leaned in, as if there was a chance that being nearer would make him choose "dad" over "mum".</p><p>He had heard about this before, some mean kids at his school took pleasure into informing him about how "his dad didn't love his mum anymore" and just how much of a disgrace that was, that Akaashi wasn't enough to keep them together, not even if he stayed quite and behaved, not even if he did his best to be a good kid.</p><p>Overthinking had always been one of Akaashi's biggest sins. So when he watched as the car started to make its way to Tokyo, his grandaparents' house, his head had been no more than full. His grandparents ignored how it was still Akaashi Keiji and not Morinaga Keiji. </p><p>“Why are we leaving dad behind? Why do I have to leave? Why can't life stay the same? Was it my fault? Would I be better by dad's side?”</p><p>“I think, therefore I am” was a sentence pronounced by Descartes hundreds of years before Akaashi was even born, before he was even thought about, but with a head full of thoughts and regrets, it was something that would stuck with him, even to this day, but his kid self still didn't know that.</p><p>He first discovered it a few years later.</p><p>His mother was busy, always busy. His grandparents had warmly welcomed her into their home with Akaashi to be taken care of and bills to be paid. His mother picked up a job at a café nearby, shifts from mid morning to late afternoon, his grandparents were usually busy as well so Akaashi took it upon himself to walk to and from school everyday. And in the meantime between arriving and having dinner, he took the time to discover the huge library that decorated the walls of the living room.</p><p>Soon enough, the company of his family was replaced by the voices of characters from dozens of stories. And it amazed just how much he could connect to something a man said hundreds of years before on the other side of the world that connected with him to such extent. Akaashi Keiji loved thinking, and at the same time he didn't.</p><p>Wasn't it amazing? To live thousands of lifes? Hear thousands of thoughts?  Experience everything there was to experience, even from other worlds that only existed on someone's mind?</p><p>He could take as much pleasure as he wanted, because there was no downside, no disadvantages to living words that weren't your own. No “mum over dad” or “dad over mum”, just pure and utter feelings he could ignore just by closing the book and putting it back on the shelf. Feelings from the outside didn't seem so threatening anymore, not whenhe could see them and move everything so he had control, so nothing could go wrong if he chose the eyes of an owl and observed his surroundings just like a prey he could easily outpower with logic and common sense alone.</p><p>Akaashi took such pleasure in reading that his family started to become worried. Hours to no end, fresh stories every time he could, words and people and just amazing intense experiences at the tip of your fingertips. </p><p>Then, it came volleyball.</p><p>“Keiji, dear, wouldn't you like to get into a club now that you're on middle school?” His grandmother had always been the sweetest out of them all, always the most careful with him.</p><p>“You see, we thought it would be good for you to get into some sport, make some friends,” the sloppy bun she put on for her café shifts was still sitting atop her mother's head. A few wrinkles were starting to appear on her forehead at the time.</p><p>His grandfather said nothing about the matter, but he knew he had the same thoughts when Akaashi caught him peeking through the kitchen counter to see him reading on the sofa when he could perfectly be hunting grasshoppers with kids his age. </p><p>Akaashi could see, big dark blue eyes always open and observant. On their slightly tense jaws, on their secret glances on the kitchen, they were preludes to something he saw coming, just like how his parents didn't love each other anymore. In this case, they were worried, nothing life changing or dangerous per se, even so he accepted.</p><p>Mori Middle School's volleyball team wasn't anything out of the ordinary, they played and they played well, so reading books in between practice became something common.</p><p>Volleyball was dangerous, because it was unpredictable, and it was also hurt, that was what he discovered over the course of the three years he spent on Mori. </p><p>He had read about it, how effort and not paying off could hurt, playing and putting your entire being into something could hurt, just like it hurt when Icarus fell to the sea because he wanted the Sun.</p><p>And then, Akaashi started to want the Sun as well.</p><p>He had entered Fukurodani through recommendation, but it wasn't just the recommendation that drew him into a powerhouse of volleyball.</p><p>To everyone else Akaashi looked collected, calm, stoic, whatever word sticked to the definition of “in control of their emotions”, maybe he was, but Descartes had said human beings only existed when they thought, and oh, Akaashi existed like no one else.</p><p>First time he saw him, Akaashi had thought Bokuto Koutarou to be a star.</p><p>And that sparked alight the sea of blue that filled his heart that could so easily burn him to the ground.</p><p>Some small part of him whispered in his ear that he would be consumed if he gave in, if he so much as started to hope for better things and indulge himself on painting with colours the blank page of his life that could with a blink turn murky and black.</p><p>When he met him, Bokuto was everything he was not, just as he had expected. Shining brightly without worry of what could possibly happen that would make him fall, he was what Icarus couldn't manage, someone that managed to touch the Sun without wings melting. </p><p>And little by little Akaashi was drawn into it as well, the heavy weight of crashing against the sea rocks left behind because he was so high he couldn't see them.</p><p>Euphoria he had never experienced welcomed him every time he set for Bokuto, and just like reading a book where the protagonist concquered their most desired dreams, Akaashi enjoyed seeing Bokuto concquering the court. The little passion he had for volleyball before expanded and dissolved into the great sea on his heart, and Akaashi knew he didn't just love literature, he also loved volleyball.</p><p>He also loved Bokuto.</p><p>Since Akaashi thought a lot, those were all the thoughts that were running through his head in the rough five minutes that he had been waiting for the queue on the cafeteria to clear up.</p><p>“I got your hot dog, Bokuto-san”, was his meek way of showing he was there when the sound of the door wasn't enough.</p><p>As much as Akaashi had taken risks into loving volleyball, he didn't risk into loving Bokuto, because he was the most unpredictable person he had ever met.</p><p>Not even the lists of his traits, the rules he had embraided on his head could make up for what a hurricane Bokuto Koutarou was. And if Akaashi ended up indulging himself on how much he loved Bokuto to end up with a murky page, he wouldn't love ever again, he was sure of it.</p><p>“Akaashi!”, he whined from the desk he was leaning on right before taking the hot dog from his hand. Akaashi stayed with his usual bento. “I have English next, and I don't wannaaaa.”</p><p>He dragged the last “a” for an agonizing period of time until Akaashi's blank stare made him stop. It was a painfully engraved memory, those times Bokuto called him “Akashi” instead and he had to correct him each time. The fact he made sure to use the “a” long enough to make sure he said it right brought Akaashi an incredible amount of joy.</p><p>“Finals are soon, you should prepare carefully,” he replied without more than a blink.</p><p>“Yeah, but nationals are more important!”. Bokuto waved his hands in the air, hot dog included, as if saying it alone wasn't enough to convey his feelings about the matter. Maybe it wasn't, Akaashi thought as he took out his chopsticks. “I want to make sure I have everything covered, if not more than everything!”</p><p>“Taking care of your health is important too”, Akaashi swallowed the octopus sausage in between his teeth. “If you burnout before nationals, all the training you've done up until this point will be for nothing.”</p><p>Bokuto waved his hand, seemingly deflating in enthusiasm. “Okay, okay.”</p><p>“Besides,” Akaashi continued,, “you are graduating soon. Please don't foget about your college entrance exams.”</p><p>Bokuto waved his hands again. “I won't I won't, I'm sure I'll continue volleyball after school so it doesn'r really matter.”</p><p>“Bokuto-san”, started Akaashi with a long stare.</p><p>“What are you even going to do after graduation, Akaashi?” He ignored how blatantly Bokuto had tried to ignore the incoming earful.</p><p>“Medicine, maybe.” Akaashi sipped from the warm tea he had kept all morning on his thermos. “I don't have any particular thought in mind,” he read Bokuto's stare with expertise, “and I don't think professional volleyball will be it, either.”</p><p>Bokuto produced a small whine in displeasure. “You won't be tossing for me after high school then.” </p><p>Akaashi knew, he didn't like to think about it. Maybe Bokuto's mind was so unmoving he also thought about it too, just when he stayed still enough to let the though wander.</p><p>“Isn't there anything you like, <em>besides volleyball</em>?” He remarked with a twirl of his wrist, his hands empty. He sure had eaten that hot dog fast.</p><p>Akaashi hummed. “You may not believe it, but i read a lot as a kid.”</p><p>Bokuto gave him a deadpan grimace. “Yeah, that would suit you.” He brightened after a second thought. “Then why not go for literature? You may like it, you always get top scores in japanese.”</p><p>Akaashi hummed a second time. “I'll give it a thought.”</p><p>Except he didn't, because that could end up terribly wrong. But Bokuto could also end up terribly wrong, and there he was with all his heart, at nationals.</p><p>And it hurt, and it also felt relieving and amazing and all things at once and Akaashi felt like that one time he was witnessing how the car drove away from what had been his house once.</p><p>They won, and they could have so easily lost too because he was having those stupid thoughts of his he had if he so much as let himself think too much. The ocean turned into an abyss, and there was so much to explore and so much to see he could drown any second, he was glad he didn't.</p><p>The match against Mujinazaka was no easy, it hadn't been and even after looking back at it, with his head somewhat colder and the nervousness out of his system for the most part.</p><p>So Akaashi sat on one of the benches of the corridors, his head resting on his hands. He could feel his noise starting to become wet with snot.</p><p>He had been so afraid, so, so afraid he had at some moment desired to not have played volleyball in the first place.</p><p>And then Bokuto sat next to him. He praised him for picking himself back up in the middle of the game. Akaashi told him about all the things he had thought about during the game, and just like how Bokuto was, he just answered with as long as he knew what he did wrong, he would deal with it next time. </p><p>Akaashi started bawling.</p><p>“Yes!”, he replied in between sobs. “But Bokuto-san,” Akaashi sobbed once more.”You said you were influenced by the Nekoma-Karasuno match.”</p><p>“Ah yes! I was super hyped,” Bokuto perked up with no seeming reaction to Akaashi's wet cheeks.</p><p>They both knew the remaining members of the Fukurodani volleyball match were right behind the corner watching their every move. Bokuto didn't seem to care so nor did Akaashi.</p><p>“You are positively influenced by watching good games”. Even as Akaashi tried not to cry, his head down, his shaking tone gave him away. He felt Bokuto's warm hand lay in between his shoulders, somehow it made him continue. “But if you watched a bad game, what would have happened then?” A tissue appeared right in fron of his face, Akaashi took it and blew on his nose for a second .”I think you should do something about being so easily influenced and...” He wiped on his cheeks lightly”. Try to keep your act before each game consistent.”</p><p>“Um, yes, okay”, Bokuto gave him a somewhat guilty smile.</p><p>“And Bokuto-san,”Akaashi started once more.”I love you... Ever since first year... I've always had and I-”, the freshness of the breath he took surprised him.”I will study literature for college!”</p><p>Fear was everything running on his mind the moment Akaashi took Bokuto's face into his hands and crashed their lips together, a chaste touch that could have as well been a mere crash on skin together.</p><p>Bokuto honoured the animal that gave name to Fukurodani Academy by staring at him with wide open golden eyes. Akaashi took in a deep breath and for a moment what only mattered was the silence and Bokuto's blank expression.</p><p>“I love you too!”, he yelled without much thought. “I'm glad you're studying literature, you look like you like it.”</p><p>“Yes, I like it”, came Akaashi's meek reply. Both him and Bokuto stood up from the bench. Akaashi took a moment to blow his nose once again.</p><p>“That back attack at the end felt good, man!” Bokuto took one of his hands into his while they made their way to the team, who were still peeking shily over the corner. “Even though Kiryuu almost saved that one.”</p><p>Akaashi could say, whole heartedly and diving deep into the abyss of his heart, that he loved Bokuto Koutarou.</p><p>“I'm glad it worked out. But during a match one should be able to output no less than 100% of what they've done during practice,” he countered instead. He also held his hand a little tighter.</p><p>“Well, we'll just have to take our feedback from the match, and then nail it down more during practice”, Bokuto pursed his lips without a care in the world, despite the fact there was no more practice to nail down feedback on. “That's what we've always done.”</p><p>Every hair on Akaashi's skin froze. Feedback, thoughts were scary, the abyss was scary, doubts were scary, but they were also necessary to bloom into something fun. Sarukui whispered something along the lines of “Bokuto winning an argument against Akaashi” because of his seeming frozen posture.</p><p>“All right then,” Bokuto jumped in the air and harshly dragged Akaashi's hand with his. He silently apologized with a sneer. “Tomorrow we are gonna save 'em all and and score 'em all.”</p><p>Their hands were still interwined. “You say 'all' but...”</p><p>“Here we go again, Akaashi!” Bokuto loudly exclaimed, as if he was reprimanding a child on a nonsense question. “But I have given this much thought! I can rebut your rebuttals today!”</p><p>“Rebut... my rebuttals?”, he whispered to himself with furrowed brows.</p><p>“It's not impossible, it's just hard!”</p><p>Akaashi snorted, throwing the tissue to a paperbin nearby.“You're right, I just think too much.”</p><p>“Like hell you do!” Bokuto accused him with a pointed finger of his free hand.</p><p>He received a soft smile from him. And Bokuto replied with his usual enthusiasm, with only a thing on his head at a time.</p><p>'How prepostorous of me, to think I could always have everything going my way.' Akaashi thought while leting go of Bokuto's hand and staring at his back as he ran through the hall. He felt incredibly happy. 'But taking risks and getting away with it, it is also enjoyable as much as it is scary.'</p><p>This time, for once, the page wasn't murky. It didn't matter if it did, he would nail it down on practice.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ah, I haven't slept at all neither have i beta read this so bear with me! I just wanted to write bokuaka jdhdhd i love my pairing of volleyball nerds.</p><p>I wanted to give Akaashi some kind of thingie, i love him so much and also his connection to literature since he DID want to get into the literature department before "getting stuck" with Tenma and his manga</p><p>I guess if this receives enough love I will make a small epilogue with post-timeskip akaashi, that was my original intention but i'm sleepy so,,,</p><p>if you liked my stuff and want to see me on twt screaming about wips ocs and manga follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/plnkstardust">@plnkstardust</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>